So, it’s been a little while since I’ve written on this, and I apologize. There has been a ton of things happening lately, and I’ve been under a lot of stress and anxiety. I’ve been having a really rough time of it–constant hives, constant horrible pain, and extreme fatigue. It’s really gotten to me, and I’m struggling to deal with it…but it’s my new normal and I need to just adjust.
So, I had to quit my job babysitting at the end of January. Something happened where my health was threatened by one of the kids, and I needed to leave for my own health. The child told me that it was done because “I don’t like you. I want to send you to the hospital.” I had never realized how vulnerable I was until this action happened. It ended up happening twice. I was threatened on a Thursday, and all throughout that weekend, I was so anxious and really nervous about seeing the kids that Monday. I was told that the kids had a long talk and had apology letters, but that didn’t stop my anxiety. I ended up breaking out in hives from head to toe on Sunday night. I logically thought I had nothing to worry about going into that job on Monday, but I was right to be nervous. Because the child did it again. This time it was done in public, in a school. The thing that bothered me was the smile that went along with it. This child knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and the grin that he had when getting the idea to threaten me was scarily devilish. I’ve never seen a more scary smile. I had to hold it together to get this kid to his own school, and after he was dropped off, I ended up going to my car and just sobbing. Pure panic attack. Twice in one week, my life was threatened. To compare, the kid could have come at me with a butchers knife and it would have scared me the same. Thankfully, a family friend (2nd mom really) lives in the same subdivision, and I was able to go to her house to calm myself down enough to really drive again. It took me 2 hours to calm myself down, and I began to react even more.
Stress is one of the biggest triggers for MCAS. Needless to say, this stressed me out. I had hives for a solid week, my joints swelled up to a ridiculous size, my bone pain has increased, and my immune system was shot so I ended up getting sick, which I’m still fighting today. It rocked me to my very core. I was obviously upset that the kid attacked me (or tried to attack me…) but what bothers me truly is how vulnerable it made me feel. A single toy could send me to the hospital. Something as mundane as a rubber band could kill me. How SCARY is that??? I’ve always known that I had to be careful of my triggers. I never thought someone would purposefully try to hurt me…especially a child. I’m really struggling to process this. I mean, people in high school used to joke (until I told them to knock it off) about my latex allergy, but it was never a threat. I truly don’t know what to think. The thing is, this has increased my anxiety about going out anywhere, because anybody could be holding something, wearing something; or a place could have artificial scents that could potentially hurt me. It’s terrifying that something mundane as a tennis shoe, or a snow boot, could potentially kill me.
I hate what this disease has done to me; to people like me. We miss out on so many things that we want to be involved with. My cousin is getting married this summer. I can’t go to the bridal shower because I’m afraid of scents. I’m genuinely terrified to go to the wedding… (I’m going to try, but gonna drive separately because who knows what I could come into contact with there…) It’s something that I know I need to do, but I hate how terrified I feel. I want to go see the new Beauty and the Beast movie while it’s on the big screen. But. It’s too expensive to go to have to turn around and just go home. I want to be able to go out to eat, to the bar, to hang out with my friends, without having to pre-medicate or to worry about my triggers. People don’t realize how scary it really can be. I’m doing what I can, but some days it’s just too much. Today is one of those days.
Keep me in your prayers. I could use them. ♥
All my love,