18 days…just 18 days…

18 days…that’s all that’s standing between me and Dr. Afrin.  I seriously cannot wait to get there.  It’s so close, I can taste it.  And yet, I find myself having a harder and harder time lately.  I’ve been having a flare up of all sorts of symptoms for a while–everything from joint swelling, extreme fatigue, hives, and even my voice disappearing from the inflammation in my throat.  I’ve dislocated my shoulder twice in the past two weeks (after you do it once, it’s easier and easier to do) the most recent being tonight after I was laying on it while trying to sleep.  I rolled and apparently the shoulder didn’t want to roll with me.  I hate how easy it is for my shoulder to pop out…but it’s just another part of this FABULOUS disorder.

The past few nights have been super stressful for my body.  2 nights ago, I got into an argument with someone and discovered a new trigger.  Arguments!  I broke out in hives and then began to have a panic attack.  My body can’t handle any kind of stress.  So what do I do?  Stress about not stressing.  Ironic?  So I took my meds, which make me sleep…managed to stay awake, albeit in a zombie like state, and then be so restless that I lay in bed for hours until I can actually sleep!  Today, Halloween–a holiday I absolutely love, I was supposed to go out Trick-or-Treating with my best friend and her little ones.  But my body decided to say “ha screw you!  You know better than to make any plans in advance!” and I ended up sleeping most of the day.  And even with all the sleep I got, my limbs are heavy, to a point where carrying a plate is hard.  I feel pathetic.  I feel like my body is giving up on me.  I feel like there should be more that I can do to make my body cooperate–and yet there isn’t.  So, I stayed home in some scrubs to feel like I was at least a little dressed up.  I helped hand out candy until I smelled bonfire, and had to immediately take my meds.  My voice was gone before anyone else could smell it, and I had to barricade myself in my room in order to keep the smell out.  I broke down in tears.  One more thing that I love, taken away from me.  I don’t know why I bother to get my hopes up anymore–my hopes and dreams are always slashed and I’m left in a pit of despair.  I’m not asking for sympathy; I’m not asking for your pity.  I simply want this story to be told.  To look at me, I look perfectly healthy (minus the dark circles under my eyes)…if only you could see the war my body, mind, and emotions fight on a daily basis.  You’d be amazed to see how strong I really am.

I’m so beyond frustrated.  I try my hardest to see the good in all situations, but it’s becoming a more difficult game.  I find myself growing more sarcastic and I can physically feel my heart growing harder and harder.  I have started to push people away.  I pick arguments with people.  I hate to see me going down this path–but I honestly don’t know how to stop it.  I am doing all that I can to stay above water, and yet it’s not working.  I’m drowning in emotion and frustration.

The only thing really keeping me going is the light at the end of the tunnel–the end of the tunnel that will be reached on the 18th.  Who knew Minnesota could hold such secrets and answers.  I wish this disorder on nobody; nobody deserves to be going through the hell that I’m currently traveling through.

Keep me in your prayers and well wishes–I could really use them right about now.

All my love,
Kristina

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