So, I’ve told you a little about this disorder, and the frustrations that it gives. But tonight, I’m going to tell you a little about the 2 most annoying symptoms. For me, those are fatigue, and forgetfulness.
I cannot tell you how tired I am. To walk to the bathroom is a challenge. To shower and actually get dressed is almost a miracle. I do work–I babysit, and the days I work are long. I love what I do. I love my kids. But my body is simply exhausted. I don’t know what else I can do to stay awake at this point. Coffee doesn’t help. Caffeine from a pop doesn’t do anything…I simply need a small nap during the day just to keep going. (Sorry Danielle!) But seriously–on a normal night, I sleep anywhere between 10-13 hours of sleep. It’s a lot. And that’s on a night when I’m not utterly exhausted. On those nights, I sleep around 18 hours. It’s ridiculous. But here’s the thing: my body creates a chemical which is basically the anti-Melatonin and it keeps me awake through the night. I cannot tell you how frustrating and lonely that is. I barely sleep at night. I’m awake until 3, 4, and sometimes later for a variety of reasons–restlessness, not being able to get comfortable, pain, itchiness, and sometimes I even will be exhausted until my head hits the pillow and will stare at the ceiling for a few hours until my brain finally decides to shut off. Not only does the exhaustion figure into my mood, but my body feels exhausted. There have been times where lifting my arm to scratch something on my head felt like I was lifting at least 50lbs with my one hand. I don’t understand why this happens so much. It’s this damn disorder and I seriously cannot wait for there to be a cure!
There are some people who don’t understand the fatigue and how exhausting life is. I have lost friends because I cancel plans a lot. I will never know how my body is going to react to a certain day until that particular day. I can make plans with people until I’m blue in the face; but if on that day my body says “hahaha sucks to be you” I have to listen. My body controls everything.
So, something else that is frustrating is that I can’t remember shit. I have been told that I have the same conversation with family and friends 2-3 times a day. I don’t remember mentioning it the first time, let alone the 2nd or 3rd. It’s so embarrassing to have the same conversation, and have people look at me like I’m crazy or have a 2nd head growing out of my neck. Or, people will ask me a question or ask me to do something. I’ll totally hear it. And it’s promptly forgotten. “Kristina, will you unload the dishwasher?” “Sure, let me finish what I’m working on.” ……. And it’s gone. Yeah. That’s happened so many times it’s not even funny. I hate it. I hate having to be reminded of things that I KNOW I’m supposed to know, and yet don’t remember. But with other things, I can hear it once and have it memorized. Give me a piece of music? I’ll play it by ear for you. Tell me stupid, random trivia? I’ll remember it for next time. It’s so irritating to not remember anything, and yet be able to pull up random facts. I would rather trade the random facts for being able to remember anything. I really would!
Anyways, that’s it for tonight. I’m done complaining…for now. Keep me in your prayers that I don’t go more insane than I already am.
All my love,